


Dear Fanfiction Writers

by SliverQuill



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Multi, Other, Parody, This is just me harmlessly making fun of cliches I love or hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SliverQuill/pseuds/SliverQuill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles, letters and rants from our favorite (or least favorite) characters of Westeros, on the matter of... fanfiction. Accepting ideas!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daenerys

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't be offended of the references you've spotted about your story, chances are I enjoyed them too :)

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

For all of you Dany/ Jorah shippers, I'll always be thankful for him being there for me back then, but I'm his Queen, not his lover and in all honesty, he did disrespect me once his lips met mine. So stop.

Please refrain yourselves from writing your so-called 'High School Fics' where I'm either a drastically shy outcast or the alpha girl in town, or some scary schoolteacher. *cough cough

Now I must say I'm rather grateful some of you chose to make Khal Drogo or my son Rhaego survive, but that's all wishful thinking, it'll never happen.

By the way, who the hell is Jon Snow?

Daenerys Targaryen

P.S: My dragons are my children, I ride them, feed them but I would NEVER fondle with them, understood?

 


	2. Robb

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I love Jeyne Westerling and I have no regrets over my choice so  _please_  stop writing fanfics where I magically dump her and hook up with some random chick like Margaery Tyrell. What's with Robbaery fics? What's with Robbaery? Sounds like robbery.

Myrcella? Wait, isn't she Cersei Lannister's only daughter? Yeah… that's not going to happen. Have we even met? Wait, yeah… we did, just once though.

Me and Jon Snow? He's my  _half_  brother and face it, none of us are ever getting pregnant! None of us are gay, for the matter.

Speaking of, homosexual pairings,  _Throbb_? Me and  _Theon,_ that's even worse than me and Jon! First of all, he sacked Winterfell and even though part of me still sees him as an older brother, no part of me ever harbored any sexual interests towards him. We're  _not_  Loras and Renly. Secondly, while we were close companions before, we're not  _that_  close, meaning we've  _never_ snuggled each other in bed or slept with each other. * shivers * Thirdly, stop with those AU fanfics where, after Theon mystically shows up, I decide to chose his  _love_  * shivers * over that of Jeyne's and thus, decide to dump her. Stop, stop, stop.

_Jon x Robb x Theon mpreg?!_

That's it, I'm calling my banners.

Robb Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Suggestions??? :)


	3. Joffrey

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I am the KING! The only TRUE king of the realm! Stop writing about other usurpers stealing MY birthright! Bow before me, NOW…

…

*After 29 seconds of awkward silence*

…

NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. Or I'll have you all killed! Ouch! Mummy, they're bullying me! Mummy… mummy… MUMMY!

*We must regretfully notice you all that King Joffrey Baratheon has received a papercut and is, unfortunately, unable to complete this letter"

Joffrey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else loves to hate him? XD


	4. Tyrion

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

You must all think yourselves very clever but I'll never change my house motto into: Hear me whore. It's not funny, it's a rather pathetic attempt at humor. Understood?

And I'm attracted to  _women,_ I'll never fuck Jon Snow or Jaime-- that'll be Cersei, which brings me to another point, I'll never fuck Cersei either. Believe it or not, not all Lannisters are prone to chronic incest disorder.One such example would be  _me_.

Keep that in mind the next time you all attempt some Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion threesome, or worse a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Tywin foursome, or a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Joanna/ Tywin fivesome, or a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Joanna/ Tywin/ Lancel/ Kevan/ Genna/ Tommen/ Joffrey/ Myrcella whatever you call it.

Tyrion Lannister


	5. Arya

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Gendarya? Me and Gendry, I mean, I saw him as a friend and to an extent, an older brother but what's with all that smutty, Sansa-like romance between us? Stop with those high-school fics with me as a regular gossipy, Sansa-like girl already. 

I love how in most stories, I do get to kill the Boltons, Cersei Lannister and the Freys—that I'll appreciate, but what's with me hooking up with that Aegon guy? I've never even met him or hear of him, that is, until I came across this website of yours. And I'd never swoon over him the way Sansa does over people like Loras Tyrell or Joffrey.

Let's see, who else am I 'shipped' with… Syrio Forel?! Jaqen H'ghar?!

* Scrolls through stories *

Me and Jon Snow? He's my half-brother you disgusting people! That's it, I'm out of here.

* Muses to herself *

Ilyn, Meryn, Queen Cersei, Dunsen, Raff the Sweetling, the Boltons, the Freys, Gendry/ Arya, Jon/Arya shippers, Jaqen/ Arya shippers, Aegon/ Arya shippers, Syrio/ Arya shippers. Valar Morghulis.

Arya Stark


	6. Jon

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Stop giving me a mystical womb, I can't have ass babies with Mance Rayder or Robb Stark, you sick people. For the last time, I am not feminine and cease all Jon/Robb stories immediately, it's not cute, or sexy, or alluring. It's sick. Robb was my half-brother and my friend,  _not_  my lover.A modern AU context  _doesn't_ make Robb x Jon any more probably or acceptable, either way he's still my half-brother! What's with portraying me as a geek or loner at high school, and mysteriously falling for Robb due to his 'charisma'. Stop already.

Sam's my best friend and meant a lot to me, but that's all. None of us would get pregnant and give birth to kids named Frodo, Merry or Pippin—it's not playing clever, it's plain moronic.

  Theon,  _Theon Greyjoy,_  are you out of your minds?! May the Others take you Theon/ Jon shippers. Angry buttsex?! Furthermore, please refrain yourselves from writing Jon/Robb/Theon threesomes-- THEJOBB is NOT an apt nickname for us. There is no  _us_.

I. Am. Not. An. Emo. (or an exorcist or a religious fanatic) Yes, I wear black, except if you haven't noticed, so does the entire Night's Watch. Does that make them emos too? If so, I highly doubt your logistics are functioning healthily and quit using  _you know nothing, Jon Snow_ as a rebuttal. Ygritte and Ygritte only is allowed to say that. Speaking of Ygritte, why do most of your Jon-centric romance fictions neglect her and instead, chose some bizarre woman I've never heard of? Care to explain why Danaerys Targaryen? I've never met her a single time, to boot this absurdity we inhabit different  _continents._ I'm also celibate, keep that in mind (Ygritte was an exception.)

And why are you all assuming that my mother  _is_  Lyanna Stark, or calling me a Targaryen bastard, or a dragonspawn? 

Please stop pairing me with Arya, she's my half-sister you disgusting, delusional fanfictioners!  Or Sansa, seriously though... And * cringes * Lady Catelyn? She'd skin me alive if she found out about this! What the seven-hells? I am not suffering from an Oedipal complex with Ygritte as a surrogate for Lady Catelyn (I know they have the same hair color. Still) who's a surrogate for my mother!

Jon Snow


End file.
